We Get Older But Do We Grow Up?
I will be turning 50 years old soon. 50 is a significant age in my mind. Not just because it’s a half of a century, but because the number itself is sacred to me.
Five is Yeye Oṣùn’s number and reminds me that life can be sweet like honey. In numerology, five is the energy of freedom, pleasure, change, travel, and sex. Add a zero to make 50, and all I see is infinite joy, beauty, passion and really great orgasms - JS!
Barbara and her parents holding her father's 44th birthday cake - 1978
But even more than that, 50 represents family milestones in my mind. I remember when I was a kid, my father was excited to be approaching 50 as he went on and on about having a party on the 50th floor somewhere in downtown Chicago! He didn’t do it and I’m not sure he ever really intended to or just liked the running joke but he must have talked about this for his entire 49th year. He planted a seed of excitement for turning 50 in my mind, that is sprouting as I approach my bornday.
The other milestone is bittersweet but holds sacred space in my heart nonetheless. My mother transitioned from this realm on her first born child’s 50th birthday. That was difficult for my eldest sister but she has made peace with it. Given how dedicated my mother was to ensuring her children were safe and secure, I see it as a completion. As my mother’s first born, my sister turning 50 meant she was ready to be the matriarch. At 50, she had the life experience and fearlessness to continue “raising herself” while supporting others. Because my mother transitioned when my sister turned 50, in my mind, 50 means you are finally grown.
But being out in da world and observing the human condition, I have noticed being 50 or older doesn’t mean you are mature. It doesn’t mean you make good decisions. It doesn’t mean you demonstrate humility. It doesn’t mean you have integrity. You could have spent the first 50 years of your life not getting the lessons, not changing, not growing. You could reach the age of 50 and not have developed good character, or even worse, actively cultivated bad character.
Good, gentle character, or Ìwà pẹ̀lẹ́ in Yoruba, is a foundational concept in African spiritual systems. We hear about it, the Iyas and the Babas preach about, devotees talk about it and quote it. But practicing it escapes many people because life can be hard to navigate. Doing shitty things, ultimately self-sabotaging things, can be easier to do in the moment rather than the thing that supports the highest good..
Sometimes the path to good character is through your darkest shadows and that takes courage like a MF! So instead, people do all kinds of thangs to not deal with their shit and end up demonstrating bad character with no awareness, or with justified awareness.
Y’all out here talmbout “spirit told me” when it’s really just your wounds and trauma lying to you again.
Y’all out here doing foul stuff to other people talmbout “I had to take care of ME”
Y’all out here half-assing your responsibilities talmbout “I’m a free spirit”
Y’all out here smiling but sending negative energy and being envious AF talmbout “hey girl hey”
Y’all out here trying to control everything and everybody over and over again talmbout “I’m so stressed”
Y’all out here claiming a level of spiritual development you can’t even perceive cause you too busy making TikTok videos and posting filtered pictures talmbout “I got 200 likes”
It is said that even the most troublesome destiny can manifest a good life through good character.
Deal with your shit (trauma) and stop being an asshole (abuser/victim) to yourself and others.
In the meantime, wha’chall sippin on?
Take three deep breaths... and embrace who the f*ck you are.
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